Snakes (Dogs) on a Floor
One of the dogs I’m watching has the adorable habit of laying on the ground with her little back legs kicked out (imagine Superman, but a dog). I never hear her getting up or changing locations, but ever so often I look behind me and she’s moved a few inches in a direction.
I like to imagine that she does so, snake-like, slowly slithering/floating across the floor silently, like some furry, live and adorable magic flying carpet, and I can’t ever see it because then the magic will be gone and she’ll have to actually use her legs and walk.
Newness
Spring is here. Lots of new changes are in the air. In my life and even on this site. Will I weather all the storms that are coming my way this month? I can’t be sure. At least the weather is really nice.
Friends
I’m always torn between feeling like I should have more friends and genuinely enjoying my own company the most.
Am I going to regret spending all my time alone, but having fun? Or will I just spend my life thinking I will regret it later?
These are the questions I ask myself when I haven’t had a single text/phone call (save for one from my tax preparer) for days.
Who will save my soul?
How strange that after writing that last post I’d find inspiration in just the way I feel about life in an article written by Jewel?
“For those of you that live the Western lifestyle, you know it’s something my husband calls TRY. It means you give it 110 percent, and don’t give up – ever… I’d outwork them. I would not relent… and I may not have been as polished or shiny or talented as everyone else, but I’d try harder than any of them If I could. I doubled my resolve. Do no harm to myself; TRY to do the best I can. TRY to forgive myself, my many failures and shortcomings, and take notes along the way. Someday I would look back and write about the whole thing and laugh.“
Ruminations
As I type this out, I’m sitting on my couch, which in the last day and half has officially become my bed. I’m surrounded by only my own possessions, and they are scattered about haphazardly. Impressions in the carpet left by recently moved out furniture are still new—like fresh scars. Shopping bags are strewn about, small pieces of paper are littered all over the place. It’s like a bomb went off, but instead of destroying everything, it just eliminated one half of all my possessions. Such are the results of a break up/move out, I suppose.
I still have a few big pieces of furniture left, but the emptiness of the apartment is palpable—a perfect dinner companion to loneliness, which though I’ve managed to keep at bay with charm, smiles and sunshine, threatens to worm itself into my world as only loneliness knows how to do. The apartment now seems comically large, like it’s a football field and the only thing out there is me in front of a laptop, tap tap tapping away at who knows what.
It’s in these life moments, where everything is softer, louder, brighter, darker, rougher, softer—that I wonder if I’m on the right life path? It’s in these life moments that I feel the disappointment more, the tails of success slipping through my fingers quicker. I question everything: my talent, my skills, my ability, my hairstyle, my taste in clothes, my taste in television shows. I’m reminded, at times like these, of those people who have been lost at sea—surrounded by water, water and more water, yet still dying of thirst and dehydration. I feel like I circle the drain of who I want to be but never seem to get it just right.
I think more than anything I’m just tired. Tired of being the kind of person that works constantly because that’s what feels right, tired of forgetting to think of myself, tired of not having more fun, tired of wanting people to like me, tired of not liking my body enough, tired of feeling guilty over what I eat. Also, probably at least another 500 other things.
I can’t stop reaching, though. I can’t stop moving forward. I keep missing out on things because I’ve already filled my calendar full of things to do because I’m afraid of what I’d be missing. So many dreams, so many aspirations. Who am I kidding? What have I even accomplished? Kind of a lot. But also nothing at all. I’m simultaneously too old and nearly a baby, all at once. Do I stop and reevaluate? Do I ignore bad feelings and trudge on? Do I eat more cereal, put on some Newsradio episodes and finish up the last posts I have due tomorrow?
You tell me. I’m sure I’ll feel better when the sun comes out tomorrow.
7 Things You Didn’t Know About Me
Though I wasn’t actually “tagged” for this post, I saw my editor at Apartment Therapy do “7 Things You Didn’t Know About Me” on his blog, and felt it’d be a nice way for me to get back into blogging on this site of mine. Hilariously, I’m doing this after a day of work to unwind. Yes, I’m taking a break from blogging all day, to blog.
1) I’m incredibly proud of my Cajun heritage. I love all of it: the food, the music, the accents, the festivals, the culture—yes, I even own up to the dumb stereotypes that are sometimes true. I always thought I’d end up living in one of my favorite places in the world: New Orleans, but now that I’ve fallen in love with Austin all that has changed. I’m still a Cajun girl at heart.
2) I never had a Polaroid camera, but always wanted one. It seems silly; why didn’t I just ever buy one? I don’t know; it just never happened. Now, with them being gone forever (maybe not?) I have a weird obsession with using free online photo conversions and turning all my photos into “Polaroids.”
3) I have severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. No, not like “oh so you’re a neat freak or something” more like sometimes I’m late to meetings because I have to spend an hour an a half checking to make sure everything is unplugged, all appliances are turned off, and jiggling the door handle to make sure it’s locked overandoverandoverandover again. I should probably take something for it—or at the very least get sustained professional help, but the benefits of it aren’t something to laugh about: I never leave anything important at home, I never forget to set my alarm, and the chances of my apartment catching on fire are so slim they should practically give me my renter’s insurance for free.
4) As per one of my tweets today, I’m incredibly hard on myself. I expect perfection, because I believe in reaching to be the best person you can be. You could say I’m obsessed with becoming the best person I can be. I did something rather bold this year: I threw out my 3 page (typed, I’m not kidding) New Year’s Resolution list I had planned for 2010 and traded in for just one: Take it easy on myself.
5) Since I was child I’ve only ever wanted to be three things: a writer; an archeologist (specifically Egyptologist) and interesting. Somehow, I ended up with an interior design degree, but it’s okay, I like design and it has led me to a wealth of opportunities in the writing field. So, writing’s going alright, hopefully interesting will soon follow, and if I could just get scheduled on a dig I’d be set.
6) The passive voice is written often by me. (So much and so naturally that I’m not 100% sure that my clever attempt to be funny in this one is actually working).
7) If I were given the news that I had a month to live, I’d immediately go travel the world. This ultimate desire gets pushed away by the natural workaholic in myself (honestly, I love working) but also due to the fact that I don’t actually travel very well.
(Mini) Pie
Yesterday was the three year anniversary of my boyfriend Chris and myself. Since we both love food, our gifts to each other usually involve edible things. I decided to make some of these mini pie pops that I saw on Luxaire not too long ago. Chris loves lots of different flavors, so I thought this would be the perfect thing to experiment. I had never made pie, or anything close, before. A visit to the Luxaire site will show you that there aren’t directions, so much as just photos. I decided to make my fillings from stratch. Somehow, through all of that, they came out divine. Proof they are easy as…pie.
Updated the words page again…
Whoo hoo! A short piece I wrote about the fabulous architect and world-changer Eva Schone made it into the most recent issue of Austin local magazine Tribeza (the October 2009 issue). Check it out: Exposed: Eva Schone (page 23).
